01.04.10 - A hard day

Today was probably harder than it needed to be. Not because of work or anything really bad, per say. Today was a hard day because I missed my grandmother. More than I really have since Christmas. And I know that I'm trying to live with less regrets, but sometimes they creep up and surprise you, remind you that you could have done more, spent more time with someone. If only we had the gift of foresight. So when I think about what kind of super power I would like to have, it would probably be that one. To know, in my gut that I should do something because I might not have the time to do it otherwise.

Anyone can quote something hopefully, say something encouraging or offer a story where they felt the same way you do. But grief is a mysterious thing. It isn't something that we can figure out. Should I be over it by now? Why do I still cry? These are questions that no one has answers to, ones that aren't really possible to answer. What may be enough time for me, might not for others. Do I feel selfish some days, like I'm the only one who still grieves so deeply? Sure. But then I talk to my grandfather and I hear sadness in his voice and I can't imagine losing someone I'd know for almost my whole life. I don't have anyone in my life I've known that long, save for my family.

So I suppose today's food for though is if you could see the future, know when people would leave, when you would leave, would you want to know? As much as I say I want to know, I'm not sure I really do. I'm not sure I could handle that. The knowledge that she was going to die over the summer was enough to literally have me sobbing on the ground. Could I handle knowing when I would lose my grandfather? My mother? My sister? My dad? My little brother? My best friend? Probably not.

But it's still something to think about.