I could really use a wish right now...

Looking out the window, she didn't see much. Not that she expected to so late at night. Wiping at her face, Marie shook her head, wishing for all the world that she'd just kept her damn mouth shut. It didn't matter if it was eating at her before. Now it was consuming and she wanted to punch a wall, cry and go to sleep for days all at same time. Some might call that depression. For the blonde, it was a daily way of life. Her emotions were always so up and down. Most days, when she actually thought about it, it was frustrating and she wished she could change. And she had tried. It just never seemed like it was enough.

It didn't help that after the fight, she'd laid down to cry, to just let it all out. That was seven the night before. Now, nearly four am, she had a full night's sleep and nothing to do but stare out the window. The feeling of loneliness and the desire to pick up the phone, to try to make this better was overwhelming. But calling that early in the morning probably wouldn't help heal any wounds. Even she wasn't that stupid.

She reached for the radio, turning the nob and hoping for something to make it a little easier to be awake. Or, better yet, lull her back to sleep. The song had a decent beat and some piano and she lay her head back on the pillow as the woman sang about needing a wish and being willing to use just about anything to get it. Then there was some rapping but the woman's voice, her words were what Marie focused on.

The realization that it was her fault wasn't new. But in her trying to branch out, trying to find something that might make it a little easier to deal with all this, she didn't realize what she was doing to the people who had been there the whole time. In making friends, she's managed to alienate the one person who had her back, who had been with her through everything. Brilliant.

Making a note to download it, the music actually did it's job and Marie found herself humming softly as she drifted again, just hoping that she'd sleep until her alarm. She had a lot to do come morning.

Working on it

So as was pointed out to me by several people, I haven't blogged in forever. I've got about a million excuses but not one of them is really a good one so I won't even bother with them. I need to get back into this. My life has been a little chaotic but I'm working on getting it together. So give me time.

Today, there will be another post with the prompt "How To Make Friends and Alienate People" I'm going to do a series based on movie titles. We'll see how it goes.

And check my tweets for mini stories. Cause some of them are fun. :)

01.23.10 - A letter

Dear Self,

Well, you've done well so far, at least in regards to keeping up with the blogging. Pictures, not so much, but I suppose I'll forgive you. But now the real work begins. In two months, you will be turning 24. And a goal you had set for yourself was to complete your first novel by 25. So you a little over a year to accomplish this. It's time to set some smaller goals to get to the BIG ONE.

YOU CAN DO THIS.

Love,

Me

This totally stemmed from motivational speeches at work, by the way. And for your viewing pleasure...

01.22.10 - Fortune

All I have to say today is this:

There are plenty of promises and hope floating around you.

01.21.10 - Life

Sometimes if can surprise you. In both good and bad ways. One phone call can change everything. But what influences a character before they reach the printed page? How important is the backstory? Does it matter, their life before they appear in a story?

I believe so. While some might not care about breakups, deaths, losses, triumphs of a character's life, I believe it has a distinct effect on who they are when the reader first meets them. Pain. Joy. Sorrow. They're all pieces that create the whole character.

But what part of that background is too much for the reader? At what point does it become too much? Is it really that fine of a line? I suppose I'm going to find out.

01.20.10 - "Dreamer"

Looking up, he saw the sun starting to set, twilight covering the world and he longed to take to the skies. He had seen his cousin do it before him, his father before the hunters got to him. And all he wanted was to be able to fly. Above him, a solitary hawk, one not unlike his father's form, circled and he felt that yearning grow stronger.

"Josiah! Dinner!"

His eyes never left the bird in the sky, watching him through winter branches. He missed his father. He was the one who was supposed to show him. All the men in his family were weres. They could all fly by the time they were in their teens. And here was Josiah, on the brink of his thirteenth birthday with no one to teach him and a mother, worried out of her mind.

“Dinner!”

Her calls to him went unheeded. Hands reached out, pushing the window open. Kicking off his sneakers, he climbed out on to the roof. He could do this. Josiah pulled off his tee shirt, shivering as his toes touched a patch of snow. Shaky fingers went to his belt buckle, but a glance skyward showed the hawk still above him, watching him.

He had no idea how to do this, to shift into his were form. Closing his eyes, he thought about it, about taking flight and soaring above it all, forgetting how he got picked on at school, how he missed his father. And he jumped.

I've received some really great feedback on my entry to the contest on Clarity of Night. Winners get announced later today and while I'm a little nervous, I really do appreciate what I've heard back so far. And it is enough of a pleasure to have new opinions on my work.

Truthfully, Josiah is a character I'd created a while ago for a role playing game. He's since been through a few revisions and no he is a were-hawk. In my mind, I saw him jumping from the roof and instinct taking over. But it was interesting to see people's reactions, what they thought was going to happen, thinking that he was delusional and that his mother was right to be worried.

What do you think?

The story was partly inspired by the song "Imagine", recently covered by the cast of Glee. That's what I was listening to when I wrote the drabble.

01.19.10 - Hero/Heroine

She sat in the library, notebook open in front of her. He could see her pen move and could almost picture the smooth letters taking shape on the page. Being lab partners, he'd seen her notes, knew that she had to rewrite them every night so they looked pristine. Perfectionist. That was an understatement.

But he found it intoxicating.

There was something unassuming about Isadora. Sure, everyone called her Izzy (or freak) but he saw the girl underneath the baggy sweatshirts proclaiming school spirit she never had and the jeans that seemed one size too big. He always caught her humming to herself and he remembered how she'd freaked out when he'd once commented on it, like her melodies weren't for the ears of mere mortals. But he was not a normal teen. He would never be normal, no matter how many cheerleaders fawned over him. No matter how many of the so-called popular guys took him under their wing and befriended him. Secretly, he'd be a freak.

Just like her.

That was why he could never tell her that he thought she was different, beautiful. He couldn't expose her to what he was. It had nothing to do with how others saw her. Their ignorance didn't change how beautiful he thought she was. His family wouldn't be pleased. In his heart, he'd always known that fact wouldn't matter to him when finding someone to connect with. Despite being able to look passed what his family would say, that the clan would do if he brought in an outsider, he would never get over the fact that who, or rather what, he was could kill her.

Still, it didn't stop him from imagining. She'd taste liek sugar, maybe vanilla. Her skin looked impossibly soft. More than once, he'd gotten lost in her eyes while talking to her. And dont' get him started on her hair. It was the object of his obsession, picturing what it would be like, down around her face, how it would feel sliding between his fingers. She was the object of fantasy, just on the other side of the lab table. The fantasy he could never have.

But he knew. If he could have her?

Her love would be the sweetest sin.

Inspired by the song, "Hero/Heroine" by Boys Like Girls, this snippet is told from the perspective of the as of yet unnamed male character in Siren's Kiss, one of the two book ideas waging war in my head.

01.18.10 - An examination of emotion

As a writer, I try to convey certain emotions to my readers. As a reader, I've read things that made me laugh, made me cry. Hell, I've even read books that have made me so upset and heartbroken that I've thrown things (*coughHarryPotter5*). But what is it about those writers, those emotions that get to the readers?

Personally, I think it's a combination of both the characters and the words. In regards to the characters themselves, it isn't the easiest thing to create a character who is lovable, likable, and who readers can connect with. As of yet, I'm not sure I've done that. Do my characters offer readers a person they can can relate to, who they care about? The way I related Sirius Black.

Also, it has to do with the actual words the writer uses. It's one thing to say someone is dead and it is entirely different to convey the environment and emotions regarding said death enough to make a reader cry. Or even to throw their books. Which I actually admit to when finding out that my favorite character was dead. I was really heartbroken.

In the end, I have to find that balance. It isn't the easiest thing, but I will do my best. Here's hoping I can do this.

01.17.10 - Glee wins

That makes me a very happy woman. I love Glee and the show makes me feel insanely happy whenever I watch it. Kind of like Bones. There are few things that make me happy, make me smile when I hear them. Like that song "Fireflies". And I was having a discussion with a friend. Visiting an aquarium is one thing that makes her insanely happy.

There is a joy that small child experience. I want to get that back. Glee. Bones. "Fireflies". Aquarium. What makes you happy?

01.16.10 - Seriously?

This is just a day of craziness. And I'm very tired. But I got an interesting letter in the mail. Apparently it would cost $65 for someone to be able to google my web site. That's a lot of money for someone who really doesn't have that. I mean, don't get me wrong, I understand that it might cost a little something for me, but seriously, $65? It just seems a little much.

In writing news, another of the elementals is poking my brain. He apparently needs to be written in some form. I think I should just write out the character profiles of all of them (elementals and sirens alike) so they can leave my brain alone. That would certainly make me happy. So we shall see what happens. I have a test I have to take for work, so I will be focusing on that more than anything else until it's over.

01.15.10 - I know I skipped a day!

Sorry! To the few of you reading this blog at the moment.

Watching Julie and Julia again at my friend's house. The movie, is cute. The boys around us, are annoying. Not much to note about my day back at work. I'm trying to keep on top of things. I have to be good. Hence part of the blogging every day. It's a goal, something I have to do for myself to keep myself motived and moving forward.

Things I have learned today:

1) Never judge a person by his or her appearance.

2) Guys are completely ridiculous in ALL forms. Seriously.

3) Julie and Julia makes me want to blog. And eat. Mostly eat.

01.13.10 - Not much to say tonight

I wrote more yesterday than I had in a long time. And it felt good. Still have no idea which idea to actually go with and that makes it hard. The elements story is poking me in the head, it's characters being the loudest. And yet the sirens are screaming at me too. Not sure who will end up winning.

So tonight, super short entry because my brain is fried.

01.12.10 - the muses....

I'm prepping this blog entry on the ferry so that I'm on top of things tonight. I'm watching last night's episode of Castle, and boy is it entertaining. I like how he decided to be authentic when figuring out how his character would get out of a rather tight situation. Very interesting. I wonder what kinds of things I should be trying to figure out. Hmm… food for thought.

Also, that entry I submitted to that writing contest has gotten some good feedback. I'm really excited about that and glad that people seem to be enjoying it. It makes me feel really good. I'm glad I got something written this vacation.

Sitting on the ferry is definitely an experience. This one is different and it gives me some food for thought. About boats. I'm always trying to get more information, more background for future stories, things that kind of poke my brain. And this episode of Castle is helping too. I have an idea for something, something mildly cute. Another possible ending for my first book idea, the one I started in college. The one I set aside when my grandmother passed away. The one I shouldn't be writing when I have something else prepped. It's hard.

The muses! They never shut up!

01.11.10 - A crazy day

First of all, sorry that I have been dating my entries wrong for the past two days. I'm pretty smooth, I know, but at least they were every day. Have to give myself credit for that one.

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, which isn't really helping much because it's not thinking about writing. It's about other things. And that just leaves me with a sour taste in my mouth. Not such a huge fan of that.

In other news, I did enter a writing contest. That is rather huge, I realize, since I haven't actively written much in a while. It was a short, 250 word drabble, but it was something and hopefully it will work out in my favor. Fingers crossed everyone!

Another short blog, but very think heavy day and I need to make to do lists. Hopefully something else will be written soon and as soon as winners are announced, I will publish my drabble here. :)

01.09.10 - Another late one

So therefore it will be short due to exhaustion.

Today was not as hard as I thought it was going to be and yet nearly impossible to get through. I thought being on the Cape and going to church and the cemetery was going to be really upsetting. It wasn't as bad as I was picturing. Trust me to psych it up for no reason. But that hard part was being around my family and hearing their perceptions of the woman I am right now. That was really hard. Because, while it's not the total truth, they're not just imagining things. So that was hard. Suppose I have some soul searching to do. Perhaps a short story or a writing exercise is in the works?

Side note: AVATAR = AMAZING! Go see it and fall in love with Sam Worthington.

01.08.10 - A long day of balloon fishing

I spent a lot of today driving and I'm pretty exhausted. Not much to say other than I'm at my grandfathers and I got here safe and sound. I fell asleep while watching a movie and attended a birthday party for an eight year old where her cat stole the party. (It was a very cute theme. They had to solve the mystery together) Then we had to fish for balloons because the strings broke. To do this, you need a tall balloon (aka one with a REALLLY long string). Attach to it a relatively small piece of duct tape. Too large and the balloon will be too top heavy. Once you have done this, you must very carefully let the balloon with the tape get to the balloon you need to retrieve. We spent the better part of the afternoon bringing them down and letting them go again. It was a really fun game that we made up.

01.08.10 - A post from work

So I'm posting at work because quick math deduced I probably wouldn't be able to post until after midnight. Therefore, post from work. I'm very excited for my vacation. And I'm exhausted. I need to be a little less last minute. I was up until 4 packing and wrapping presents. That was a bad idea. Since I got up early so that I could put all my stuff in my car and also head over to the bank.

Started reading Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters. Amusing so far. I don't know what else they could do with Jane Austin novels, but I am enjoying this so far.

T-minus 4 hours, 8 minutes and counting before vacation. Let's hope the roads don't suck too bad and that the ferry isn't crazy. And that I get something written this vacation. Even if it's just a short story. I want to have something written by the end of Thursday.

I can totally do it, right?

01.07.10 - Such a lazy day.

I had a nothing day. And it was amazing. I spent the majority of my day relaxing, though I should have most definitely been packing. Definitely should have been packing. I'm taking a six day vacation from work. I'm calling it my palette cleanser. Two days with my grandfather, twoish? days with my cousin and time to myself, cleaning out my brain. I want to start fresh with something to write.

Today's laziness was broken when I enjoyed some sushi with my friend Sara. Interestingly enough, I got an idea for the elementals book I'd thought of when I was still in college. Those characters are starting to attack my brain. So I'm not sure what will happen, if the sirens will beat out the elementals, but we shall see. I'm curious.

Okay, short entry for I need to pack. I will be mostly MIA until I get back, but there will be journals cause it's my New Year's Resolution.

Three things I rediscovered today:

1) I love the idea for my first book and I want to maybe go back to that before all the index cards on my doors

2) I'm obsessed with many things and am a huge nerd

3) I want a Flip camera. Real bad.

01.06.10 - One minute writer: laughter

One Minute Writer: Blog Prompt - What do you want to rediscover?

"I would love to rediscover how I laugh. It's evolved so much since I started laughing. I'm sure it was some childish giggle as a baby, maybe with some gurgling. Now it is more cackle like… with a little Betty Rubble. It's cute, but I forget how I natural laugh sometimes."

Everyone has a different laugh. I forget what mine started as. I remember trying to tone mine down at one point because I cackle. I'm since just accepted it and moved on. I'm loud when I laugh. Get over it. Everyone knows I'm enjoying myself. :)

In other news, I'm totally looking forward to the days off from work I have next week. I just need to relax and get my head back on straight. Then hopefully I should have new stuff written and I will feel accomplished.

01.05.10 - Friends are honestly the best thing in the world

And I'm sure everyone knows that. So when my friends show up at my house with Chinese food, it makes for a nice evening. No matter how tired I am, the bond I have with my girls is priceless. Singing random songs, laughing, reading texts and watching movie trailers actually made my night.

Everyone has this point in their lives, when there are people in their lives, the people that shape them, bring them joy, sadness. Right now, for me, those people are my friends. But what are they for my characters? That's a big question. Are they friends? Past lovers? Wives? Children? What makes a character tick. It's a big thing for me when I figure out backstory for my characters.

So what makes you tick? What makes you smile? Cry? Laugh until you cry?

01.04.10 - A hard day [an addendum]

When I started this, it was supposed to be about my writing. Just about the writing. But I realized something, looking at my past entires just now. It has to be more than that. So I shouldn't feel weird posting about my life, or how I was feeling one day. That is part of what makes me a writer, the ability to feel and the desire to communicate those feelings to others. So here it goes.

New Year's Resolution Number Three: Write what I feel here, not what I think you all want to hear.

01.04.10 - A hard day

Today was probably harder than it needed to be. Not because of work or anything really bad, per say. Today was a hard day because I missed my grandmother. More than I really have since Christmas. And I know that I'm trying to live with less regrets, but sometimes they creep up and surprise you, remind you that you could have done more, spent more time with someone. If only we had the gift of foresight. So when I think about what kind of super power I would like to have, it would probably be that one. To know, in my gut that I should do something because I might not have the time to do it otherwise.

Anyone can quote something hopefully, say something encouraging or offer a story where they felt the same way you do. But grief is a mysterious thing. It isn't something that we can figure out. Should I be over it by now? Why do I still cry? These are questions that no one has answers to, ones that aren't really possible to answer. What may be enough time for me, might not for others. Do I feel selfish some days, like I'm the only one who still grieves so deeply? Sure. But then I talk to my grandfather and I hear sadness in his voice and I can't imagine losing someone I'd know for almost my whole life. I don't have anyone in my life I've known that long, save for my family.

So I suppose today's food for though is if you could see the future, know when people would leave, when you would leave, would you want to know? As much as I say I want to know, I'm not sure I really do. I'm not sure I could handle that. The knowledge that she was going to die over the summer was enough to literally have me sobbing on the ground. Could I handle knowing when I would lose my grandfather? My mother? My sister? My dad? My little brother? My best friend? Probably not.

But it's still something to think about.

01.03.10 - A New Year's Resolution

Okay, this is something that I'm sure happens a lot in the beginning of the year, but I'm making a resolution. I've made several over the past three days. Some of which I'm going to list here. But my main resolution is to blog every day. No matter how tired I am. No matter what I write about. I need to blog, to actually keep writing. It's hard and it will be a challenge so, here it goes.

Anyways, other solutions:

1) Never regret something that once made you smile.

2) Take a picture every day. At the end of the year, I'm going to compile them together. At the moment, I have no idea what to take for today's picture. I'm off and I have spent the day watching movies and napping. Totally a lazy Sunday. But lazy Sundays are good every once in a while. I needed this one.

Okay, I have to get back to the long list of things I have to do this evening, including make dinner, but expect blogs every day! My total of like two readers.